Christmas Bake Sale!

Christmas Cookie Bake Sale!

When: December 21st

Where: In the lobby of the West Shore YMCA

Time: 10:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m.

Raising money for suicide prevention in memory of my beautiful mother, hope to see you all there!!

Special Ornament

Hey Everyone,

Last week we my friends that I live with and I decorated the Christmas tree. I eagerly placed an ornament that is very special to me on the tree. That silver ball orname

nt is the last Christmas gift I received from my Mom. She made for me with love and I cherish it. The best gift was her love, but all I have now is this ornament to hold on to as well as the memories.

This amazing photo was taken by Sean Anderson

Always Remeber To Find Reasons To Smile:)

Hey Everyone,

Here is a silly picture of my awesome nephew and I making some crazy faces. Through my journey of grief of losing my Mom, I've learned to latch on to happy moments. Time with nephew is always just great, and I truly latch on to our time together. Though it's hard to know my Mom is not here to see this crazy little guy, I smile when I think that he is here because of her. With him, it's not hard to find reasons to smile.

November 11th Speech

Hello Everyone,

I again apologize for the very late post about this awesome speech.

This speech was given at the Courthouse Commons Cafe in Carlisle, PA. My amazing Aunt Deb and Uncle Curtis came to support me in this amazing cause, which was great. They were not the only familiar faces in the crowd though, my friend Govan from the Pennsylvania Suicide Prevention Coalition as also there. I walked up to the stage with shaky hands and before I began to speak I closed my eyes and thought of who I truly wanted to be in that crowd, my Mom. With this I opened my eyes to reality and spoke with passion about my Mother, and how I am now a motherless daughter. After this I pointed out different risk factors about suicide, and shared different preventative measures that can be taken when a loved one is suicidial.
The speech was great, and I thank Courthouse Commons and Ric LeBlanc for allowing me to spread the work about suicide prevention. Thanks as always to all who are making this possible, together we are saving lives!

October 24th Speech

Hey Everyone,

I must apologize for my very late post about this awesome event.

The Speech was delivered at St. Johns church in Carlisle, PA to their youth group. Of course I was nervous because my hopes were to give great knowledge about suicide prevention, and it is a little intimidating to speak to teenagers. As I stood in front of the youth group hands shaking, I spoke with passion of my Mother, and the hole that I have in my heart because of the choice she made. At this moment everyone grew quiet. As my speech continued I asked many forward questions about suicide where I received many eyebrow raises, which was good because it appeared that I cleared up a mis-understanding about suicide and prevention.

After my speech I opened the floor to any possible questions. The youth leader quickly asked away about how to bring up suicide after a suicide takes place. She didn't know how to address suicide properly without risking another copy-cat suicide. With this question I shared a true story:

A woman lost her husband to suicide and decided it would be best to seek professional help for her and her five year old daughter by seeing a therapist. The mother begged to the therapist to not tell her daughter that her father killed himself, that he instead died in a car accident. After much discussion the therapist agreed. Shortly after the daughter walked into the therapist office and begged the therapist to not tell her mother that her father killed himself, because her Mommy believed he died in a car accident.

This story truly shows that pushing suicide aside pushes away the questions that need to be answered and in this true story the missed opportunity the mother and daughter had to talk about the reality of the situation.

The speech was great, and I thank St. Johns youth group for inviting me to speak to them about suicide prevention. It was awesome to spread the awareness about suicide prevention. Thank-you as always to all who make this possible, together we are saving lives!

Poem Shared At Awareness Event

Hey Everyone,

This is the poem that I read as I ended my speech at the coffee house. Statistically on average every person that commits suicide affects at least six people. After hearing that statistic I wrote this poem. Hope you all like it!

Placed a Rose

Look up, the sky
full of dark clouds.
Now the clouds cry
dark tears.
Steps are taken towards
the casket.
Her love and father of
her children places a
bright rose on her casket, the
rose leaves his fingers
just as she left his.
Her father and mother walk
brokenly gripping each
other,
her mother looks away
not wanting to see
that she could no
longer help
her.
Her father places a rose,
fully bloomed, looks
at her face and
wishes for a
smile.
Her sister walks up to her looking
back.
A rose is placed, and she
walks forward.
Her eldest daughter walks up,
then back then
up again.
Tears roll from her face
to her mothers'. She looks
up then down, slowly
the rose is placed on her
casket.
Her son looks down,only to look
up to know he is
there.
He looks at her yearningly.
Very slowly he places the
rose on her casket, and
looks up.
Her youngest daughter takes baby
steps towards her,
closes her eyes and takes
a deep breath.
She looks away and bites her lip.
She grabs her hand, cold and hard.
She looks at the rose than at her.
Placing the rose on the casket she
places her love.
One person, six roses.

Big Day!-Community Walk/Awareness Event

On September 26th, 2010, in Harrisburg Pennsylvania a walk was held for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Many gathered to remember their loved ones lost to suicide. It was a day of remembrance as well as a day to gain courage and sanity. Courage to tell our story and sanity to learn that we are not alone in this crazy journey of grief.
This walked mirrored the same physically exhausting 18 walk that took place in Boston this past June. In both walks I spoke with genuine people sharing the same tragic story. Though we hurt our stories were shared. As each delicate detail came out we were able to breathe a little lighter. This is because we all knew the person's ear that was listening genuinely cared and could relate in one way or the other.

As I walked with my family I was quickly reminded of the importance of their presence. I'm thankful for my amazing Aunt Deb and three terrific cousins; Brittany, Brian and David. Their support during the walk will forever be cherished.
As the walk ended I released a balloon with my mother's name on it, Laurie Ann Fieseler. That moment was very hard. I know I've come a long way in my grief, and this is something that I'm very proud of. However, the simple act of letting go of her is truly hard. Because like many I just don't want her to be forgotten. With my eyes squeezed tight and while taking a deep breath, I let the balloon go. Little steps....

After the walk I rushed to the Crimson Frog coffee house to share my story about my mother as well as share great information about suicide prevention. I have to confess the reason I rushed was because ditzy me had locked my keys in my car! Thanks Uncle Mark for getting my keys out!
Walking on that stage at the coffee house was both exciting and scary. There I was sharing great information about a cause I am so passionate about, as well as sharing such personal feelings about my mother. Though as I trembled my story was shared. I gave risk factors, warning signs and ways to help out to the audience. Than I ended the speech with a poem I had written.
It was a hard, yet very rewarding day. Though I was scared and weighed down emotionally, I still did it all. Thank-you all for your support, and remember, together we are saving lives!

Lobbying

Hey Everyone!


On Tuesday, September 21st I marched the many steps to the state capitol to lobby for suicide prevention. After the long march I met with my fellow survivor friends who were also there to lobby for suicide prevention. Many people were there from various organizations, though all of us were there for the same reason, suicide prevention. There were people there to support veterans, to support older adults, and one that really caught my eye; avedium- I've got your back.
Avedium started by a high school girl that sadly lost her father. She wrote a paper about this as well as the loss of a high school student in an English paper stating that something had to be done. Her message was heard loud and clear. Her English teacher and her collaborated and came up with the idea to speak openly about suicide prevention. She is now in college and has spread the word to many other high schools and colleges. What she is doing is truly remarkable and inspiring. I cherish her story and it inspires me to raise awareness.
Many people spoke very movingly about suicide prevention. I met many new people, and heard many great inspiring stories. That day I felt very political, though the day was not about whether you are a donkey, elephant, or liking the color green. The day was about an issue that has no political lines, it was about life.

NEW PHOTO

Hey Everyone,

My great friend, Rob Golden, has taken a few pictures of my tattoos. They are of my wrists which reads "Breathe Life." My blog was named after my tattoos. They mean that I need to remember to take life all in. So a big thank-you to Rob for taking the amazing pictures! Please check it out! And as always thank-you all for everything, together we are saving lives!

Boston Photos!

The amazing sunrise after the completion of the walk

The executive director of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, Robert Gebbia and I

The luminary I made with a picture of my beautiful Mom attached to it.

I was the girl with all the hats!

My two amazing team-mates, Christine, Gayle and I

Trip to Boston!

Hey Everyone!

So the big day finally came! On June 25th I ventured up to Boston to participate in the overnight walk for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. And I have to say it was AMAZING!

The city was beautiful right by the water. I'm a girl from a small town, so it took a while for me to take it all in. Going to the walk was a big hard step in an emotional way. I took many deep breaths preparing to walk up to the registration table. It was hard to believe that again I am doing a large walk in memory of my mother. It was a big reminder that I still don't have my Mom here. However, I looked around at the other people standing in line and realized that they too are being reminded that their loved one is no longer with us.

The opening ceremony was extremely hard. Everyone spoke how hard of a journey it has been for them, this crazy journey of grief. Of the great struggles and of how great they feel having this amazing foundation here to help others. At this moment, I truly lost it. As I walked to join my fellow team-mates, my heart broke and the tears just continued to stream down. My team-mates were such great friends as I literally cried on their shoulders and they found a way to cheer me up. They were truly being great friends!

The walk itself was great! It was a little over 17 miles! My team started at 7:45 p.m. and ended at 4:10 p.m. I truly forgot how physically straining it was to your body! There was a moment when I was very tired and exhausted, but I was looking around at the other walkers and saw one person with a cane! Her leg was wrapped up with ice and she was still very enthused with the walk! So that of course gave me more motivation to continue to walk!

After everyone walked across the finish line of the walk, we all sat for a well needed break. Shortly after that the closing ceremony began. We found out that over 1,600 people walked in the walk! And we raised 2.2 million dollars! It was great!

As we walked back to the hotel, I felt like a super hero. Doing something truly great for others, all in the memory of my loving mother. And the best part was that through this all, I'm not alone.

Car Wash-How it went....

Hey everyone! I am proud to state that the car wash was a BIG success! Together we raised a total of $342.00 dollars which all goes towards the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention! Thank-you all so much for all of the support!! We had many friends and family come out and support the cause. And we meet many new faces which was great. Many people shared their stories about how they have been touched by suicide. Again, I want to state that I am sorry for your loss, they (your loved ones) can not be replaced.

Up in the lovely picture is a little beauty name Riley. Her mother is one of my great friends, and they stopped by to show their support. It's always great to see people of all ages coming out to support the cause! I owe a big thank-you to my cousins, Brittany and her friend Cassie, Bryan and David as well as my Aunt Deb and Uncle Curtis. This car wash would have not been possible without them. Thank-you all!! And because of all of this great support we are saving lives!

SAVE THE DATE!

CAR WASH FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION!

DATE: Saturday, June 12th

TIME: 11:00 a.m.-2:30 p.m.

WHERE: Metro Bank in Camp Hill (Right by Giant and Barnes and Nobles)

Bitter Sweet

Yup, that's me in my cap and gown! I am proud to say I have recently graduated from Harrisburg Area Community College with my associates degree in Psychology. Next I am off to Penn State to earn my bachelor's degree and then my masters in Psycholgy. I felt amazing that night. I had taken a great set in my educational career. There's no doubt I was smiling like crazy with pride. But it wasn't all so grand. Because as I look at this photo, there is someone missing. Next to me is my loving Aunt, then my Grandmother and lastly my cousin. Three strong women that have been there for me. But after taking this picture, I cried. Here I am doing something great in my life, and she is not here to see it...it was like I was abandoned. My heart was being crushed because of so many reasons. I wanted to be happy, but she wasn't there. I was mad that I was not letting myself be happy, then felt guilty for feeling that way. Yah I know totally confusing. It was like all the grief and sorrow I had of losing my mother came back.
I hate knowing that when these moments happen in my life she won't be there. She won't be there to give me a congratulatory hug, give me a pat on the shoulder, or to just even say she is proud. That night I promised myself something, that no matter how hard it is in life, with the grief and sorrow,I will do great things to make myself proud.

Mother's Day

Hey Everyone,

So today is the day to appreciate what your Mother has done for you. I have no Mother to call to say that, to hug to show that, just to be here to show that. Mother's day has still been a hard holiday, but I'm thankful that I have other strong women in my life. They are not filling that "void" in my life, but just simply being there. However, I don't have a Mother here to say those words "Happy Mother's Day." So I hope you all take the time to say those simple words, because it would mean the world to me if I could say them to her.

Fingers Crossed

Hey Everyone,

So today was a BIG day. I've been wanting to do this for months, and the day has came, I MAILED OUT THE LETTER TO RACHAEL RAY!! This is such a big step. My fingers are crossed that I make it to the show to promote the foundation. Thank-you all soooooo much for writing letters about me and this awesome cause. Below is a picture of dorky me about to send out the letter to Rachael Ray. So please keep your fingers crossed for me in hopes that I make it to New York! As always, thanks guys, because together we are saving lives!

Things Missed

Hey Everyone,

So a few weeks ago I took my awesome nephew to the park. As he was swinging on the swing I had a deep thought about how my Mom is not here to see this. When moments like this occur it just makes you want to cry. The simple fact is is that she is not physically here. She's not here to push this awesome little guy on the swing. I've spent all my wishes in life wishing she was physically here, and all I'm left wish is wishes.

If I could tell my Mom something it would be I wish you could see the amazing life that you left behind. How your grandson is such a creative and great little guy. And I wish you didn't leave us...

What is going on....

Hey Everyone,

So I'm just busy receiving letters for the Rachel Ray show. Lots of friends have written letters, thank-you guys soooo much for writing those letters! Now just a few more letters and I'll be set to send everything out in hopes to get on the show, wish me luck guys!

A Thought

Sometimes I think about how great it would be to run away from all of this grief. As much as it gets easier, it would seem easier to run away. But there is something stubborn inside of me that won't let me because I know I would hate myself if I ran. So I'm stubbornly holding myself from running away. What an odd thought.

Therapeutic Poetry; A Cornucopia of Lava-Hot Pop-Tarts

Hey Everyone,

I came across this poem from my college's "Wildwood Journal", which is a collaboration of students work. This poem is funny, but I really like it. I hope you guys like it too!

A Cornucopia of Lava-Hot Pop-Tarts

By: Gareth Gebhardt

I am exactly everything:

My parents' two halves,

weeds, stars, and atoms,

unimaginable size and mass,

scratches of graphite, sparks of arson,

and a shrinking ozone layer.

I am the sharp teeth of fresh lies,

peroxide in the wound, fish in barrels,

an uncaged child who rambles

in a blue summer

(and all the visible spectrum of the seasons between.)

I am forgetting. I am sprinting, I am stretching, I am flexing,

I am

discarded bubblegum pop song

on the bottom of a shoe

my fingers, they roll with god and darwin,

I speak in robot voices to converse

with Stephen Hawkins, Carl Sagan,

an I get high and write

broadway hits where each day

is a big bang, or a hiccup.

I am the playground bully,

the downtown junkie,

bugs bunny, Wayne Brady, the lunch lady,

Nick Sarkozy, old Humphrey Bogey,

and sometimes, I admit, a soup nazi.

I am electric-slide willow tree

in Jimi Hendrix's stratocaster breeze,

and swine flu trembles like a peon at my feet,

for I am the velociraptor influenza pandemic,

inventor of the wheel, founder of parliament funkadelic.

The first one to put scotch on ice,

Barack Obama asks me for bedroom advice.

I am a hundred-dollar frying pan from Williams Sonoma,

a decorated general of Salvation Army flannel,

master interior designer with milk crates,

duct tape, and low-cost Swedish furniture.

My triumphant mixtapes are commissioned by

the London Symphony Orchestra

I am grand master champion of Monopoly and Where's Waldo?

It does not rain usually,

until I am under cover, and if

I am patient for the precise amount of time,

traffic lights turn green when I snap my fingers.

And still I sit up nights, wondering

if I am doing this right.

Important Quote

"Remember, depression is an illness." - From film: " More Than Sad: Teen Depression" by: The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

I've Lost Count of Weeks!

Hey Everyone,

I hope everyone is enjoying the spring weather! I wanted to mention that there has been a lot about suicide in the news lately. Bullying has been discussed on many news station. I first would like to say I am very sorry for the family for their loss. Their child can not be replaced. I wish there could have been another way that bullying in school and the severity of its effect can be came out openly to the public. Though I am glad many people are beginning to see the severity of bullying. I hope the right action is taken in schools, and improve children's lives.

My biggest push so far has been asking people to write letters to Rachel Ray. It's a big dream, but I'm trying to make it come true. I've also been getting into more of a healthy eating habit, though I can't say no to my ice-cream! I'm moving working out for preparation for the walk to the top of my priority list! Thank-you all again for your continued support. I have to give a shout out to Jenny for telling people about my blog, thank-you so much for letting people know about this. Your support is very much appreciated! Together we're saving lives!

It Has Been A While!

Hey Everyone,

So I have not posted in a long time! And for that I apologize! I've been starting to work-out with my great friend Jessica. It's been kicking my butt, but I'm pushing through it. I'm trying to get into the kick of eating healthy. Of course this is so much easier said than done. I've also been notifying everyone about the great success of the bake-sale. People were really happy about it and the kids loved it. They are still talking about it.

So I'm dreaming big and setting up another project. I've been asking people to write letters about my fundraising and sending it to a talk-show. Fingers crossed it works! I've received a few letters, and some have made me cry. But they all are great, thank-you all so much for helping! I'm hoping to have them sent out by the beginning of April. That way I can go on the show and promote the awesome cause. Wish me luck!

Next week I will be busy with getting the letters ready, and also taking a few exams. Thank-you all for your continued support! Together we are saving lives!

Photos of February 16th Bake-Sale

These little helpers were selling away, but could not resist a muffin!

These ladies were great helpers, everyone that walked by knew they were there!

Two little helpers that just missed the bunny ears and flaunted their stuffed animal "pinky."

How The Bake Sale Went

Hey Everyone,

So I owe everyone a very big apology for not up-dating my web-site right away about the bake sale. I've had quite a few exams to take this past week. One that I actually was studying for at the bake sale!

Ok, so the bake sale was amazing! Together we raised $650.00 towards saving lives!! I had soooo many people generously donate bake goods. Many people came out and bought some bake goods. Some were not fans of having delicious treats being sold at a gym, but it was "fat tuesday" so they endulged a little. Many people donated just for the cause. I had many helpers helping with the bake sale. My friend Melissa would not let anyone leave the gym without trying her awesome cup cakes. There was a large number of kids from the day-care that I work at also helping. Everyone that walked in the gym were fastly greeted by their smiling faces. One little helper even tried to sell my poster! They all did such a great job. It was great to see little faces helping raise money for a great cause. Thank-you especially to that great guy of mine for staying by my side at the bake sale. It was an emotional day, but he helped me through it. But I could not have done this without all of the people that donated the amazingly delicious bake goods and all of the awesome helpers. Thank-you all for saving lives! It really means a lot to me to know that people care, and more importantly it means a lot to people that are struggling that you all care.

Bake Sale!

Save The Date:

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

At West Shore YMCA, in Camp Hill

Come out and support a great cause!!

Week 5

Hey Everyone,

So it has been a very busy week! All the parents at the day care that I work at were notified of the fundraising that I am doing. A good group of parents already said that they would donate to the bake sale! The social worker at my high school told this week me how sadly a senior this past fall took his life. It was saddening to hear of the loss of a life, and I want to send my condolences to his family. She stated that I could chat with my old high-school counselor to set up flyers about my fundraising. The next day I was in my walked through the old halls of my high-school and talked to my amazing counselor. I told her about all the amazing opportunities I've had with raising awareness about this cause. Then we got down to the true reason I was there, to raise awareness for suicide prevention. She was very excited about the idea, and told me today that the flyers about the bake sale are already posted in the school!

While in my exhausting biology class I began talking to a sweet girl about my fundraising. And right off the bat she wanted to help. She told me of those that she had lost and friends of friends who have lost someone. It was again very saddening to hear, and I send them all my condolences. This re-enforces that something needs to be done.

While dropping off the sign-up sheet for my bake sale at my work, I had six people already sign up! How awesome!

This week is a lot of prep and baking on the weekend. Thank-you all for your support and help! And as always, thanks for saving lives!

Therapeutic Poetry; My Eventful Week

Hey everyone,

Another poem for all of you. I wrote this one on December 21st, 2005, which was about almost two months after I lost my mom. It's very raw, and talks about my week that I lost my mom and had to attend her funeral. It's a little emotional, but lets you know what it was like. There is no doubt it was hard, but I'm still here. Let me know what you guys think!

My Eventful Week

Friday many tears were shed.

But

it's okay because you are going

to call me.

Saturday I fell, and

pieces of me will never get up.

But

it's okay because you are going

to wake up.

Sunday I wrote you a poem

and even gathered your photos.

Monday I curled my hair,

and dressed in all black.

I saw you Monday.

Your eyes closed,

your face pale

and you had not called me.

I held your hand,

cold and hard.

Monday I said goodbye.

Week 4

Hey Everyone,

I hope everyone had a great week. This past week was not too busy. My great friend (and my boss) got the February newsletter ready to be sent out to the parents at the day-care I work at. In this newsletter there is a page about my fundraising, asking parents to contribute to the great cause. It goes out February 1st, and I'm crossing my fingers they all check it out and contribute to the cause.

This past Friday I had some awesome friends check out the poems that I have written about my journey through this crazy process. I got some great feed back, and I really appreciated their comments, thanks guys! Also I've been advocating the bake sale where ever I go. Many people are willing to help, which is great.

Next week is a big week. Finding out the parent's reaction to my newsletter, getting flyer's ready for the bake sale, and getting my "business cards" ready. Lots to do, so I have to keep this motivation going. I hope you all have a great week. Keep checking out the site! As always guys, thanks for helping to save lives!

Week 3

Hey Everyone,

So it was a slow week this week. I gave my great friend, who is also my boss, a letter that I typed up to give the parents of my work discussing the bake-sale. I work with an awesome bunch of kids and I will be asking their parents to donate some bake goods for the bake-sale. The letter will go out February 1st, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it goes as amazing as last year. So many parents donated and praised the foundation for all of the help they are putting out there.

I made an announcement at a work meeting last night about the bake-sale. I still get really nervous and emotional speaking about my mom. They seemed to be really excited about it, and I had some questioned asked. A truly nice woman came up and gave me a hug thanking me for the support. It was really refreshing to have that, it keeps me going.

I just heard about an hour ago that Miley Cyrus supports suicide prevention! I'm really happy about it because she is seen by so many youth as a role model, and this is a great thing to be taught. So thanks Miley for showing your support, it is truly appreciated.

Well guys, my economics homework is calling my name. Thank-you all for your support. I hope you all have a great week. And as always, thanks for saving lives!

Week 2 Plus Some

Hey Everyone,

It's been a little over a week, but I waited a little extra because I was waiting to iron out a fundraiser. So I heard the news today that at my job I was approved to do a bake sale! So on February 16th, "Fat Tuesday", the bake sale will take place. I was astatic when I heard the news, and I owe a big THANK-YOU to the West Shore YMCA for allowing me to raise money again there for this amazing cause and help promote suicide prevention.

Things are starting to fall into place, but I started school this week, so I've had to put my focus on the academics. It's always hard to think that when I moving on with my life, my mom is not there to see it...But I'm glad I can help prevent this from happening to others. Thank-you all again for your support and helping to save lives! I hope you all have a great week!